Authentic and Totally True History of Hockey 

        The origins of Hockey have always been mysterious. Egyptian hieroglyphics, stained glass figures in chapels and references across many cultures through history. But now, recent archaeological digs have shed new light on the true beginnings of the game.

         Secret workings in the same spot my partner wants to put a veggie patch uncovered ancient documents unseen for at least a few months. Wrapped lovingly in bubble papyrus, the documents, now known as the ‘High School Creative Writing Project Scrolls’, have shed new light on not only the origins of Hockey, but of sport itself. Thanks to some quick action around the rubbish bin, I am pleased to present what I believe is as true a description of the ancient origins of the game.

“And lo did clouds gather and mist did swirl. Here, among the fogs of creation, did mortals gather. And so did they shout, “We are bored”. And the Gods looked down upon the mortals and bellowed, “Really, you’re kidding? Have you discovered giraffes yet? There pretty cool, you should check them out.”

And the Mortals replied, “We have, and they are fine beasts indeed, though not very tasty and hard to ride. What we seek is activity that is not related to everyday living”

       The Gods did sigh, “Do we have to do everything? Ok, look down, what do you see?” The Mortals scanned their eyes. “About us lay only sticks and stones” was there reply. “Seriously” howled the Gods, “use your imagination. Half of you pick up a stone and half pick up a stick. Right, the half with the stone throws the stone at the half with the stick. And the half with the stick hit the stone that’s thrown at you. Got it? Now leave us alone. Can I have some more grapes, now”. So did the mortals reach downward. Half did grab a stone and half a stick.

        Then did the throwing commence. (At this point it is worth noting, for historical accuracy, that things got a bit out of hand).  Lo were some stick holders felled, and with there wrath did run at the stone thrower and smite them with their stick. And thus did the Gods create Baseball. “Oi, you lot,” they ordered. “Get over there. Just be quiet and wait, we’ll knock up a continent for you when we have fixed up the rest of them”.

       But there were stick holders that hit the thrown stone and hit it real well. “You’ll need a boarding pass to get that one back” they did taunt the stone throwers. “Why don’t you bounce it first? I might miss that”. And thus did the Gods create cricket.   

     “Sweet” relieved the Gods, “they’re sorted”. But only for a moment was their rest peaceful. “What are you clowns doing? Don’t jump at the stone with your head. And throw we said, not kick. You idiots.”  And thus did the Gods create soccer.

       And then there, before the Gods, lay one last group of mortals. They stood together in deep discussion. “And you, what is it that you conspire?” threatened the imaginary ones. “Oh, were fine,” replied the mortals. “We sort of figured that if hitting a stone with a stick was easy and hitting a stone with a stick after the stone has bounced was harder, then hitting a stone rolling on the ground with a stick must be hardest. And if hitting a stone with a stick is easy it must be harder if the stick has a crook in it. Have you ever seen someone try and hit a stone rolling on the ground with a stick that has a bend at the end of it? Now that is entertainment. And we should know, we’ve seen a giraffe.”

      “Well, that’s sorted then” triumphed the Gods, in the glory of all they had created. “Hang on a sec,” yelled the final group. “Are you busy Saturday, we’re chasing an umpire?” The Gods were furious that mortals would place such impositions upon them. “Cant you just do it yourselves” they moaned. The mortals were dumbfounded. “Ahhh, we are mortals right. You know, temptation, self-interest, that sort of thing. We might just happen to not notice the ball hit our foot, rolled up our leg, bounced of our tummy and accidentally get head butted for a goal.”

         “Yeah, point taken,” conceded the Gods. There upon were they surrounded by swirling clouds with much thunder and much lightning, delightfully set to music by Vangelis. And as the clouds did disperse the Gods did appear before the remaining mortals. And so did they speak. “As you all know, mortals are way too ugly for Gods to look at and sound way too shrill to listen to. So we can’t umpire. But we can send a couple of sacred blind sages. They’ll be our envoys. They won’t be able to see you and won’t be able to hear you, but they shall govern with the wisdom of the Gods and shall not be questioned. Those that go against the Blind Sages’ determinations shall be subject to the ‘Rainbow of Discipline’. Green, Yellow and Red. They take all responsibility and accept none.” And such was the proclamation of the Gods.

           “Well,” did the mortal crooked stick carriers say, “As long as they blow the pea of authority loud enough, we’re pretty good with it.”

And so, a Grand Bully did commence. And many shins were struck and much laughter had, especially by those actually aiming for the ball. And such games did require a feast, and following the shin whacking they did all gather and sump upon all that brings joy to mortals when they kick back and enjoy the company of those around them.”

So, there you have it. That’s how it all started. Some historians have questioned the accuracy and methods used in dating the scrolls, but they looked pretty old to me, so I reckon they are authentic and would probably have got at least a B+.